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SLOTS
by David E. Meadows , 2008

When the Republicans wanted slots in Maryland the Democrats cried it would create wild-spread poverty; do nothing for saving racing in State; it was just damn-right immoral; and so they beat the crap out of it (Craps is from another game of chance. It also rimes with politics.)

With the Democrats in office, amazingly slots will now save racing; a God-send for replacing the lost revenue from the missing one-billion-dollar surplus they had going into office; and, it'll help the poor. Politics is an amazing thing. Go figure.

Let's talk slots! They are adult entertainment without the worry of discovering your name in Frederick's notorious little black book (Ummm, where is that black book anyway?).

I'm not lecturing about never losing money you can't afford or never using the ATM at a casino. Throwing good money after bad with hopes the Luck God will smile upon you seldom works. Think of it as supporting the racing industry, helping the state deficient, and rescuing the poor.

Slots are fun. Watching those cherries race around; the double-time diamonds stopping on the line; and ever-now-and-again a jackpot wets your appetite. There is no sound of coins rattling into bins beneath the machines now-a-days. You get a credit slip printed out when you're ready to move-on (not to be confused with the democratic liberal internet organization). You take the slip to a cashier or casino cash machine and-voila-there's your money. This allows you to play more; play faster; and reduces the spread of germs by taking dirty coins off your hands (in more ways than one).

There are no machine driven insides in today's slots. Slots have arrived at the information age. They are little more than 'thin-client' configurations, reaching back to a server-farm to determine the pay-outs based on complicated algorithms. If that doesn't make sense, any six-year old child can explain.

Those algorithms are designed to pay out sufficient wins to keep the customer playing and retain a share for the house. Most payouts are in the ninety-percentile, but I have discovered that ninety-percentile never applies to me; my friends; or, anyone else I've ever met.

Most algorithms pay you a pittance in the first few rolls. This releases endorphins and make you want to play more. After you've lost a few rolls, if the computer calculates it's time, or likes you, it will give you some of your money back. This keeps the endorphins churning by giving you the means to keep on rolling. Toward the end of your rolls there is good chance images of possible wins will start appearing in the top and bottom no-win lines, creating thoughts that with only a few more rolls-a few more dollars and the Luck-God will descend in all his or her finery to reward you.

Here's the key as I see it. Put in enough for twenty-rolls. If you win a big-one: take the money out, and move on. If you lose it, then move on. Those machines are adult entertainment and when you've lost your money for the night-which you will-go home; put those endorphins back in their box; and, turn your thoughts to other adult entertainment such as horse betting. Horses seem as profitable as the stock market and you get to know whether you've won or lost within minutes instead of waiting years. Horses are another form of adult entertainment that Democratic slots are saving for us.

David E. Meadows / SixthFleet.Com David E. Meadows Washington D.C. E-Mail readermail@SixthFleet.Com